Mothers Day Musings

(I was asked to talk in a Relief Society meeting and this is what I shared...)

        I have to admit, I was quite surprised when I was asked to speak about my hobbies and how they have influenced my life. I feel like once I became a parent, any hobbies or talents I had flew out the window and I am now “Just A Mom”. Most of my days are spent in comfy clothes (NOT pajamas!) and trying to stay on top of household duties as well as keeping the kids fed, clothed, and alive... I’m pretty sure there is nothing interesting about my boring Mom Life...!

Whenever I start complaining about being a Mom, I have a few older and wiser friends that are always reminding me that life comes in seasons. They remind me that this season in my life is about loving those tiny, sometimes annoying humans, and to somehow raise them into independent, responsible, and kind adults. That seems like a daunting task most days! 

Growing up, I had two brothers who were special needs. One was more severe than the other, but they both were quite handicapped. They had the same genetic disorder that my son Max has. Technically, I am the 2nd child in my family, but since my brother Cameron was only 18 months old when I was born, I quickly became the oldest by proxy. I have two younger sisters, then my younger brother Carter, is the caboose. Carter had many more health problems than Cameron. We were told that my brothers probably wouldn’t live very long. My family was pretty much planning their funerals from the time they were born. The doctors had never seen this disorder and really had no idea what to expect or how long they could live. They both continued to thrive and prove the professionals wrong. However, every time either one of them would get sick or hurt, I would worry about their imminent death. I often made myself physically ill with worry. Being faced with mortality at such a young age, I kind of had to grow up quickly. I felt like I had to protect and care for my sisters so my parents could keep their focus on the boys.

Like most young girls, my mom put me in dance classes. By 3rd grade though, I had learned about soccer and played with the boys every single recess. I soon was begging my parents to sign me up for a team and let me quit dance. Honestly, I wasn’t graceful enough to be a dancer, but I could run and kick hard. Sports quickly became my outlet. I enjoyed the active aggression, and it was something that was all mine. I could be me on the field. I wasn’t “Cameron’s sister” or “the girl with 2 handicapped brothers.” 

I was just me. I tried softball, but it was too slow for me. I picked up volleyball and basketball and could hold my own. I played on the school teams in Jr High. In high school, I played on the soccer and basketball teams. I then tried lacrosse - because it was new, and why not? I loved it too. My junior year of high school I played soccer in the Fall, basketball in the Winter, and lacrosse in the Spring. Our lacrosse team won state that year, and it was definitely one of the highlights of my life thus far.

My mom thought it was a good idea that I be well-rounded, so along with those kiddie dance classes, I also took piano. I started lessons at age 3 and excelled quickly. I actually liked learning to play. Until my teacher that I adored had to quit, and I got a new teacher. I did NOT like my new teacher. Her piano room was in her basement and it was cramped and smelled funny! I was then forced to play in that piano dungeon room until Jr High when I could learn a new instrument and quit piano. I wanted to play the saxophone, but was told I needed to learn the clarinet first. So clarinet it was. Turns out, I really liked the clarinet, and I was pretty good at it too. I tried the saxophone for a bit, but went back to the clarinet. I played in the Symphonic Bands in Jr High and High School. I was a busy teenager. Somehow I was able to do it all and still keep my grades up. That was me in a nutshell - sports and music. My mom would always make it a point to come to as many events as she could, often toting my brothers along with her. I now realize how difficult that must have been, but she claimed it was no big deal and that she loved watching me do what I loved. 

After high school, I headed up to Ricks College. I really struggled my first year. I felt lost. I joined a few intramural soccer and basketball teams and signed up for a clarinet ensemble class, but I was homesick and had a hard time making friends. That summer, I tried to transfer to BYU but it didn’t work out. Reluctantly, I realized I would be heading back to Ricks, now BYU-Idaho. I told myself that I would try harder to get involved and make friends. I could get through one more year. My clarinet ensemble instructor suggested I try out for the University Symphonic Band, and I laughed. I did not think I was any where near good enough. But then I remembered my promise to myself and thought, “What the heck?! I’ll give it a try.” I somehow made it through my last-minute audition and was shocked when I saw my name on the list. Since I had actually made it, I now needed to make room in my schedule. I ended up dropping my one “fun” class, racquetball. When I walked into my first day of rehearsals, I noticed the big guy behind the drums. It was the same guy that had been checking me out during the one racquetball class I attended before I had to drop it. Long story short, that drummer dude’s name was Jeff Williams. We became friends that year, went on tour with the Band department the following Spring, then dated all summer. We broke up when he went back to Rexburg. I had graduated and was staying home to work until I could decide what to do next. Our “break up” didn’t last long, even long distance, and by Thanksgiving, we knew we wanted to get married. Jeff was the only guy I ever dated that never seemed wary about my brothers. He accepted them from the beginning. When we were dating and I told him that I was a carrier of the same disorder, he didn’t even flinch. It never bothered him, which made me fall even more in love with him. He loved all of me, even the not-so-perfect parts. I knew he was in it for the long haul despite whatever life would throw at us. 

We had been married for 2 1/2 years when our daughter Daisy made her debut. I had been working to help Jeff finish school, and I was excited to stay home and be a mom. I soon realized it was not as easy as I thought it would be! When Daisy was six months old, I got a job at Heartland Paper, a local scrapbooking company. I had always loved making simple scrapbooks so I was excited to learn more. My creative side lit up and I became hooked on crafts. I would work on Daisy’s scrapbook while she napped, but in the evenings I mostly loved making wood crafts. I usually made stuff for other people and often gave my homemade projects away as gifts. Crafting is a hobby that I’ve been able to keep doing while raising my kids. I remember my mom covering the kitchen table with the latest ceramic she was painting. Now I’m that way too with my latest d-i-y project! I love to make things for my home. I love to paint and decorate. I rarely have enough time to actually complete projects I want to do, but my mind is always full of ideas I’d love to do with this room or that space. Maybe I’ll finally have time to create more in my next season....

With my younger life revolving around sports, I was often training or conditioning. But I actually hate to exercise. I think running just to run is so boring! I’ve tried to keep sports a part of my adult life, but my body does not function as well as it used to. A few years ago, I played some indoor soccer with friends. I couldn’t believe how slow I was! More recently, I’ve been playing in a women’s basketball league through the rec center. Its been a great way for me to have a little escape from the daily grind and force myself into exercising, which, let’s be honest, usually feels pretty good afterwards. Sports and music both taught me that perfection is not a destination, but a daily pursuit. Nobody is instantly great at something. You have to practice, daily, to become better. Even then, you still might not be the best, but you are better than you once were. Motherhood is often the same. It’s often quoted that life is a marathon. So is being a parent! Just when you think you’ve had it and can no longer take another step, you get up the next morning and try again. When I was pregnant with Max and we found out he had the genetic disorder, I thought my life was over. There was no way I could take another step, it was just going to be too hard. How could I be the Mom my girls needed when I knew much of my focus would now be on their new brother? I went through a grieving process as I mourned the normal baby we had hoped for. I grieved the life he would have had - getting the priesthood, going on a mission, fathering a family - none of that would happen for him in this life. I knew I would have to become one of those strong special needs moms, and I was scared I couldn’t do it. 

As the months went by, Jeff and I realized we were not alone in this trial. We felt the prayers and support of many family members and friends who had faith in us. For some reason, God had trusted us with this special little boy. He had faith in us, so we needed to have faith in ourselves. We fell in love with Max more and more each day, and our excitement to meet him could hardly be contained. The first few months of Max’s life were the hardest. Feeding both in his NG tube and by mouth around the clock, weekly weigh-ins hoping for the slightest gain, constant worry about getting sick, and still trying to be there for our girls. It was completely draining on all of us. But we could not believe how much we loved him. I think our family has learned a lot in the 3 1/2 years since Max joined us. Our girls know that our home life still kind of centers around him. But hopefully they know this doesn’t mean they are any less important. Jeff and I have learned to be a team. I usually take care of all the medical stuff, like shots and doctors appointments, and he makes sure the girls get attended to and helps around the house. At least one of us, if not all, is there for every soccer game, piano recital, and school event. We like to take vacations with just our girls when we can. I think it’s important for them to see Jeff and I as normal as we can be when we aren’t stressed about how Max is feeling, or when to feed him, or where he’ll nap. We’re also able to give them all of our attention, which they deserve. We’ve been blessed with some very helpful and understanding girls and they are a wonderful asset to our family. The importance of family has been ingrained in me my whole life. I never resented my brothers. Yes, I sometimes thought they were a burden because I could see the weight my parents carried, but I never wished for life without them. 

Cameron passed away nine days after my wedding and Carter passed just 19 months after him. It feels like a different lifetime. Family is everything and can be eternal. Ours would not be complete without Max. I want my girls to see me struggle and know that it is okay. That it is normal to sometimes feel lost and hopeless. But I also want them to see me try and not give up. I want them to know that life is not always perfectly hunky-dory or turns out how you planned. I want them to see me overcome my struggles. I want them to see me praying, exercising my faith that it will all work out in the end. These are the shoes I hope to leave behind. I don’t think being a Mom to a special needs child is any harder, I think it is just different. Different is okay. Any mother will do anything for her child regardless of that child’s current situation. Being a mother is HARD. This season is HARD. I have a quote at home that reminds me that this season is just as temporary as my high school sports days. It’s by L.R. Knost and says:

“Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful, it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heart-breaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.”

Most days, my life is far from pretty. But its beautiful in its own way: and its mine. Heavenly Father has an individualized plan for us all, and blesses us with different talents, hobbies, and gifts to become the women we are meant to be.